Red-Headed Sparkplug

It still blows my mind when these just pop up in the skyline after hundreds of miles of nothing. (Taken with instagram)

• Joe: YOU'LL HAVE TO READ THE ARTICLE. See what I did there? That's called a teaser. I could be a journalist.

• Courtney: I don't want to study, but I have like a million lizards to learn. What? So many frogs, so little time.

• Lance: The jerk-off-agus. It's like a tomb for jerking off. Masturbation Mummies, they always wrap it before they tap it.

It’s like they know when I don’t feel good. Somebody’s perpetually snuggled with me today.

Quote of the Day

(Drunk) Joe: Why is your fridge dressed up as a mail man?

Oh Christmas tree, oh Christmas tree, you didn’t fit back in the box/ Oh Christmas tree, oh Christmas tree, mom lost all of your middle parts.

Dear turkeys scurrying along I-55,

Just because Thanksgiving has passed doesn’t mean you’re safe everywhere. I’m just looking out for your best interest.

Sincerely, You’re no good to anyone if you’re hit by a semi

• Julia: If and when that time should ever come, you'd have to get me a ring.
• Lance: I was going to get you engagement socks!

• Rick Perry: I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm a Christian.
• Lance: Is this a Saturday Night Live sketch?